Welcome to my world

So here I am again, brooding despite my attempts not to sink into that again. I'm attempting to fill out some godforsaken government form that can somehow magically decide what I can afford to pay for college, and then it will sink me into debt by telling me the rest has to come in the form of loans (because somehow I never quite qualify for scholarships). I'm not too afraid of debt yet, since I know the worst is yet to come. Grad school - the bane of every cash-strapped prospective Ph.D.'s existence. You can't get anywhere with your B.A., and you can't really afford to continue in your studies. Excuse the language, but, well....fucked if you do, fucked if you don't. Might as well take the do side; at least you get something worthwhile out of it and a chance to drag your sorry rear end out of the debt quagmire.

That's really not what this particular brood is about, though. I think the big issue hanging like the proverbial raincloud over my head is, well, immigration. No, that's a lie. It's that when I try to talk to people about my concerns, well, concerning the immigration issue looming before me...they basically tell me don't worry, it will all work out in the end, if we have to take such-and-such path, we will. If you worry you'll only get sick again. You have to take care of yourself. Stressing is bad, save your energy for school, think positive, etc etc etc.

Thanks, I knew that. And it was nice to hear it the first few times, knowing that people were looking out for my health and all. But really, if I don't think about this, who will? Not my parents; they're too busy assuming that the world is running just like it was twenty years ago and my concerns all boil down to politics. (Maybe I should explain - mom thinks things will be easy because we're aboveboard, and because our countries are friendly that nothing will stand in the way. Reality check, please? Sometimes the people taking the straight and narrow road get the brunt of the scrutiny. I'm not going to risk my future by trying to cheat the system, but I wish they'd let up on the little people going the legal route.)

Like I said before, I royally screwed up last time. I want all my ducks in a row before I take too many steps forward. And I'd like the lights on, please, instead of stumbling uselessly in the dark and falling into the caverns just waiting to swallow both me and my dreams. I want to know what I'm in for, but there's really, honestly, no way to tell. Nothing is concrete. Which I hate, but I accept, because some things can't be forced.

But does anyone ever acknowledge anymore that sometimes venting your worries can actually lessen them? That if I don't have to get into a debate about my right to actually (god forbid) worry about my own future, maybe I could air my concerns and then relax? The answer to all that is no, not often.

Just food for thought.

When people ask me if it's okay if they do something, if I mind if we do such-and-such, if I have an opinion on what we do next...I usually defer to them. Whatever they want to do is fine, doesn't bother me, etc etc. And, honestly, it doesn't. I haven't the slightest issue with what people do, unless it's something that violates my moral boundaries, and even then I hardly speak up. Whether it's for fear of driving people off or for fear of imposing my moral structure on others (something I disdain just on principle), I'm not sure.

I suppose the real question is whether I've conditioned myself not to be bothered, not to care, in order to be more malleable to others' wishes. Even if, when someone asks me what I want to do, even if I have an idea in mind, before I contemplate speaking my mind, the first words out of my mouth are "it doesn't matter to me." And usually, I don't question this, just accept it as how I work. But lately, I've begun to wonder if it's healthy, if I'm subjugating my own wishes and feelings in order to blend in better with others. And in this vein, I wonder if (after all I've said to myself and others that I know who I am and I like who I am) I really know myself at all. I've stopped doing a lot of things I previously took great pleasure in, and have thrown myself into other activities I previously had little interest in. For example, my writing has fallen by the wayside, and I feel helpless to pick it back up again. However, whereas I previously avoided television, almost as if it were distasteful, now I find myself watching more and more of it (in the form of videos and recorded shows). I don't listen to music nearly as much as I used to, and originally I justified that in that I didn't want to discomfort my roommate, but now I'm beginning to wonder if that's really why. I also procrastinate more on my work, which is something I criticized before.

How much of me has changed, and how much stayed the same? Through this passivity, this willingness to fit into someone else's mold, have I lost most of what I used to use to define myself? Am I settling for a personality that, in reality, is not mine? If so, how can I force myself back onto the road of individuality, and making my own trail?

Even worse are the doubts that plague me when I start to think of the future. I'm terrified that I'm not ready to move forward, that everything is moving too fast for me to handle and I want to just hide for the next few years until I feel prepared. I know I can't, however, and that only adds to the panic.

I essentially failed the first test I set up for myself. In moving forward, that requires finding housing off-campus for this summer and the following two years or so. I had a line on a house, a nice price, a good relationship set up with the landlady, and I simply waited too long to make the move. Someone beat me to it, and while everyone is doing their best to convince me I'm not at fault, I feel responsible. I failed the first test of responsibility, or so it seems to me. Why? Because I kept putting off the phone call, kept forgetting, and when I finally called, it was a single day too late. So now I'm struggling to right my wrong, and fix the glaring error on my internal record of readiness. It's not easy, especially when I have no idea what's going to happen past April.

Everyone that matters has been telling me that stressing is bad right now, especially bad for my already weakened health. But if I don't stress about it, if I don't keep on top of myself, I could let a million opportunities pass me by just like the house did. I feel helpless. What more can I do but worry? No one can take care of me anymore, can take my responsibilities. I can share burdens but not foist them off entirely on someone else.

Worse, I think, is that I feel alone. I know I'm not alone, but because it feels like the struggles I face are struggles I have to face alone, I feel alone. I honestly don't know what to do, and I can feel my shells cracking one by one.

There's not really much more to say. I suppose I'll keep this up for a while, let some things out, see if that helps. If not, well, I'll try something else.

Well, back into the rush of things, I guess. Ever fun, that relentless cycle of work and work and work and - guess what - more work. Admittedly this time there's more than a little play interspersed in there, at least more than years past, but there's more stress too.

Graduation is a little under two months away, and I don't feel anywhere near ready. Classes are in full swing, no, full panic, and of course there's all those little things. You know - birthdays, field trips (for water testing. Yay.), random parties you don't really want to talk about holding but are kind of obliged to. How rude would it be not to hold a party? Read: not to give people a chance at free food. And it'd be pretty rude, since tradition serves that whoever graduates throws a party for all those who deign to come, and feeds them and entertains them, all on a day when they'd usually much rather be out partying with friends.

Ah, the joys of responsibility. lol.

Not that I'm complaining overmuch. I know I'm complaining some, mostly because I really don't want to hold a party and don't want to be inundated with ideas on what I should do with my life - no thank you, family, I have my own plans! - but tradition is tradition, and I can't really argue it. Sometimes I wish I could! But I can't.

No, I think it's the stress that's going to do me in. The working around the clock, burning the candle at both ends, when everyone seems to assume that you're coasting to the end of the year. Working your fingers off, furiously dashing off assignments you forgot (heh, I am so guilty of that right now...), praying that you at least pass with marginally good grades...I'd like to be done with it, please. As soon as possible, if it's no trouble.

Not that it's going to happen anytime soon, but hey, a girl can hope.

In other news (although there isn't much other news, school = prevailing demon in my life right now, when you exclude two particular individuals I prefer to ignore) three cheers for a return to a healthy mindset. America tried to poison me with her fast food and throw-away mentality, but a little vacation reminded me that that's not the person I want to be, and so I am beginning the awkward but rewarding shift back. Maybe the whole nation won't shift with me - screw the whole nation, most of them are a bunch of overfed pansies anyway - but it's good to know that I, at least, am doing something.

It'll be a shock to my household, of course. No sodas, except maybe on special occasions (like going out to eat for a special dinner or something), no fast food when it's avoidable, and a return to the mentality of finishing what you start - not just tossing it out like so much trash.

I may not like fruits and vegetables overmuch, but I'm going to do my part!

Anyway...my hands hurt now. Too much frantic typing, too lazy of a mind, too sick to really give a care. Laters!

Have you ever noticed that when trying to deal with the people on technical support duty in a company, like Dell, they're so damned cold? It bothers me. I guess it's a rule or something - no fraternizing with the customer. No human emotion, no hint of a real person behind the screen, just bad grammar and cold, hard words.

It's enough to depress a person. Bring them down from a previous high. Like off the high of switching from a pathetic computer to a much better one.

...then again, this might just be my interaction with these people, and not anyone else's.

Wow...this thing is so much quieter...I wonder how hard it will be to adjust to not hearing this violent whirr.

Note to self: be nice to these people. Using big words at them is probably more confusing than anything. Heh. I should really be nice...but they don't seem like humans to me! They're just...talking computers or something. I dunno. It's creepy, to be honest.

Bleh. That little rant wasn't even what I really wanted to talk about. I wanted to cheer over the successful changeover from clunky old thing to shiny new thing. It took a few hours, mainly because I needed to move files over and make sure I had certain documents and stuff saved on flash drives as backup (and I had to insure that I changed my email with NWA; that would suck if I forgot and they changed flight times on me or something).

No really, this thing is virtually silent. How did I ever live with that thing?

Anyway. I think I'm done now. The Dell's hard drive is wiped, it'll be sent in over the week for all the cosmetic work (the lid doesn't close properly), a new battery and a new power supply. When it comes back, it belongs to my parents...and I stay with my new lovely. Yay!

Okay. Time for other duties now. Heh.